What a year this has been! My family has been on quite a ride, including, but not limited to, both my husband and myself finding out we each had cancer again and then both of us undergoing treatment. We are now basking in the sheer joy of just knowing that we are both in remission. Remission- just one of those words that sounds sweet as it rolls off your tongue.
It is funny how facing such obstacles can make you start paying attention to what is important in life and stop obsessing over the little things that are not important after all. Suddenly it doesn't matter as much that my dear hubby "puts on the brakes" when he is riding in the car while I drive. It doesn't really matter whether the towels are all folded the same way and lined up in the linen closet just so. So what if my son or hubby don't clean just as I would? These things and lots of other little things that used to drive me nuts just don't matter a hill of beans these days.
I find myself a good bit slower to anger usually (mind you, I said usually, LOL) and what people think of me or say about me is just not the biggest deal now. I find myself praising God more, watching for the beauties of His creations in the world around me, and spending more quiet time with Him. I appreciate my friends more, thank people quicker, and offer praise where praise is due more frequently. A simple conversation with my husband is now a delight to enjoy and savor. I wonder what was wrong with me that I couldn't slow down before and appreciate exactly what I had in life?
I once read an article where the author stated she was glad that she had had cancer. She said she wouldn't have it any other way now because of what it taught her. Well, I don't think I will ever be to the point where I will be glad that I had cancer or glad my husband had it, despite what we have learned from it. Instead, I guess I will say that IF we had to undergo this ordeal, I am glad that God used it to His glory and used it to teach us and draw us ever closer to Him. Heavens knows that He probably wanted to shake me more than one time just to get me to pay attention to what He was trying to show me!
Cancer is a funny thing (as in "weird" funny)- people either automatically think you are going to die or they start telling you about Uncle Fred who had cancer ten years ago and it was awful how he suffered. Some people have trouble looking you in the eye and others seem to need to reach out and touch you when they see you, almost as if to reassure themselves. All ask how you are doing or how you are holding up, whether it is you with the cancer or your spouse/family member. The truth is, though, that most don't really want an honest answer; they want you to tell them that you are doing great and all will be fine. So, you smile and say, "I'm doing great" or "We're hanging in there, it will be okay". Really what you want is someone to hang on to as you sob your heart out because you stayed awake most of the night watching to see if your husband was still breathing. You don't tell them how you were frightened out of your mind because he was so weak after treatment that he didn't even have the strength to move from the bed to the couch. You don't talk about the despair you feel as you watch them retch until they can't hold their head up. You don't bring up the fears that come at night as you contemplate the thought that you might lose your beloved partner/friend/greatest supporter. AND if it is you with the cancer, you don't admit that you worry about your family if something should happen to you or that you have to face full on your own mortality.
You also get to the point where you cannot, cannot, cannot stand another person to poke you with a needle, prod your body, or discuss you as if you aren't there. You dread the drive to chemo, you dread the nausea, you itch, you wobble, you get hungry and then can't eat, and you ache for the health you took for granted. Somehow in all this, you get to the point where you actively listen for God's voice and watch with awe and joy as He works in your life. You learn that you can always pour out your heart to Him without fear of misunderstanding or worries that HE will think you weak. You learn to cede control to Him because, after all, you never had it in the first place. HE is the one who is always there in the middle of the night when the tears threaten and the worries try to take over. And He is the one who quiets you with His love and sings over you (a reference to Zephaniah 3:17, a fav for me).
Ultimately, I have learned that you cannot let fear take over, you cannot stand by and let the devil whisper scary thoughts in your ear, you cannot avoid open discussion without setting up a situation where people can't share and get thru all this together, and you can stand things you never thought you could. But most of all, I knew with an ever-deepening conviction that I never want to be far from my Creator thru any situation.
Thursday, November 18, 2010
Wednesday, September 29, 2010
Time Passages
For each day that passes, I am aware of how quickly time slips away. There have been so many changes in my life (and the world!) these past few years that sometimes I get a little overwhelmed just thinking of them. Nothing makes you confront age, time passing, and mortality than realizing what has been invented since you were born, the family members and friends that have passed on, and the adjustments you have to make or accept because of age.
I am the second of four sisters and wherever I go, I meet someone who knows me as "one of Bud and Shirley's girls." I am not sure I would know how to BE without being a sister and certainly many of the older folks can only remember the four of us as "one of the sisters." Some might be bothered by this, but for me, it is a comfort, a rhythm that repeats itself over the years and keeps me grounded as to my place in this universe. Of course, I am now a wife and mother, but I was a sister from the moment I was born.
Birth order is a funny thing. I read the books that tell you how you are supposed to be based on birth order and they make me smile. Even though I have an older sister, I have always been placed in the role of oldest sister and expected to help fix catastrophes, rescue those that need rescuing, and generally doing whatever needs to be done. I am blessed that my next sister down is only two years younger than me and has always been my best friend and cohort in getting done whatever needs to get done. We support one another a lot, argue a little, and love one another fiercely.
My oldest sister had a stroke at 45 after undergoing surgery. She was able to gain enough independence to go back to her home after a while, but a couple of years ago, she was felled by another stroke. This time, things were to change forever. She could not provide any care for herself and had to go live with her daughter. My wonderful niece has provided 24-7 care for her for several years, but now my sister's health is now a little more unstable and she has had to be moved to a nursing home. What a painful decision this has been for my sister, my niece, and my family. It is certainly the RIGHT decision, but that does not make it any easier- particularly for my poor niece. My sister is 56 years old and will spend the rest of her life in a nursing home. The reality of this is just stunning for all of us. My niece struggles with this reality, even though I know deep down that she knows it had to be, both for my sister's sake and for her sake. Doesn't make it any easier though!!
I guess where I am going with all this is that if you don't have a written out, talked out plan for your family about health-care choices, life-care choices, end-of-life choices .... don't delay, do something about it now! When we are young, we tend to think "oh, I have lots of time, I don't have to deal with that now". Well, that is not necessarily true. My sister was only 45 when she had her first stroke and only a few years over 50 when the next stroke hit. We are NOT guaranteed any one moment of time ever.
Of course, there is no way we can foresee everything that might happen in life, but you can certainly get your head out of the sand and prepare for a time when decisions must be made or already be in place. Get a will, make a living will, gets papers pulled together that affect decisions. Talk to your family and let them know exactly what you are asking of them if the time comes when you can no longer make your own decisions about what care is given or when to end all care except comfort care. It is not enough to just believe that your family will just KNOW what to do when such a time comes. Most of all, give them "permission" to do what must be done, with the full knowledge that you know they are doing the best they can and that you wish them no guilt for the overwhelming choices that must be made sometimes.
I am the second of four sisters and wherever I go, I meet someone who knows me as "one of Bud and Shirley's girls." I am not sure I would know how to BE without being a sister and certainly many of the older folks can only remember the four of us as "one of the sisters." Some might be bothered by this, but for me, it is a comfort, a rhythm that repeats itself over the years and keeps me grounded as to my place in this universe. Of course, I am now a wife and mother, but I was a sister from the moment I was born.
Birth order is a funny thing. I read the books that tell you how you are supposed to be based on birth order and they make me smile. Even though I have an older sister, I have always been placed in the role of oldest sister and expected to help fix catastrophes, rescue those that need rescuing, and generally doing whatever needs to be done. I am blessed that my next sister down is only two years younger than me and has always been my best friend and cohort in getting done whatever needs to get done. We support one another a lot, argue a little, and love one another fiercely.
My oldest sister had a stroke at 45 after undergoing surgery. She was able to gain enough independence to go back to her home after a while, but a couple of years ago, she was felled by another stroke. This time, things were to change forever. She could not provide any care for herself and had to go live with her daughter. My wonderful niece has provided 24-7 care for her for several years, but now my sister's health is now a little more unstable and she has had to be moved to a nursing home. What a painful decision this has been for my sister, my niece, and my family. It is certainly the RIGHT decision, but that does not make it any easier- particularly for my poor niece. My sister is 56 years old and will spend the rest of her life in a nursing home. The reality of this is just stunning for all of us. My niece struggles with this reality, even though I know deep down that she knows it had to be, both for my sister's sake and for her sake. Doesn't make it any easier though!!
I guess where I am going with all this is that if you don't have a written out, talked out plan for your family about health-care choices, life-care choices, end-of-life choices .... don't delay, do something about it now! When we are young, we tend to think "oh, I have lots of time, I don't have to deal with that now". Well, that is not necessarily true. My sister was only 45 when she had her first stroke and only a few years over 50 when the next stroke hit. We are NOT guaranteed any one moment of time ever.
Of course, there is no way we can foresee everything that might happen in life, but you can certainly get your head out of the sand and prepare for a time when decisions must be made or already be in place. Get a will, make a living will, gets papers pulled together that affect decisions. Talk to your family and let them know exactly what you are asking of them if the time comes when you can no longer make your own decisions about what care is given or when to end all care except comfort care. It is not enough to just believe that your family will just KNOW what to do when such a time comes. Most of all, give them "permission" to do what must be done, with the full knowledge that you know they are doing the best they can and that you wish them no guilt for the overwhelming choices that must be made sometimes.
Thursday, September 16, 2010
Old Saints
Two days ago, our community lost another wonderful saint of God. Uncle Henry was 94 years old and had been married to Aunt Rose for 74 years. I have such sweet memories of him and Aunt Rose. They were such an integral part of the little church I grew up in. As a child, I loved his smile. It was so sweet and even his eyes smiled. BUT, I also saw a hint of naughtiness in that smile- like he was about to act like a kid or was sharing a secret with one of us kids who had been a bit naughty. He always seemed to study on his answers before he gave them and I never remember him talking down to me as a child. He and Aunt Rose were a wonderful example of Christianity.
His death really hit me hard and it also set me to thinking. I know lots of Christians, but it seems those old saints from my childhood just have/had something that I don't see a lot of today. Uncle Henry was one of those who had that something extra. So was my Uncle Abe. They loved the Bible and the study of it. They loved talking to people. I cannot even begin to imagine how many people my Uncle Abe had witnessed to before his death. I cannot even begin to imagine the hundreds of thousands of prayers for people and situations he had uttered. My Uncle Abe was one of the most saintly persons I have ever known, but he would frequently tell me that he needed to grow closer to God and do more for Him. It was hard for me to understand when he would say that he could hardly wait to go on to heaven. I WANT to go to heaven, but was young and couldn't imagine wishing for it right then. Now that I am older, I get it more and more. The older I get, the sweeter and more intense the desire to be with my Saviour gets. Still not rushing my life away, you understand! I just experience that every deeper desire for Christ as each week passes.
Maybe it is not true, but it seems that many Christians of my generation and younger do not make Bible reading and prayer the priority the way these older Christians have done. Is that because of the time we live in now? Or is it because as we age we see more and more how important those things are? I don't know the answer. I do know that my yearning for my Bible reading time has increased as I have moved to the 50-something stage in my life.
How I wish I had appreciated those old-time saints and their Bible knowledge more while I had them in my life! I fear that my generation will not have that legacy of Bible knowledge to pass on/leave with their children and the children of their home church. One of the things that bothers me about most churches these days is that there is little interaction between the children and the older members. It is all about "youth group" and their doings now. Some of my greatest examples of Christianity came from the interaction with older church members who taught Sunday School, Vacation Bible School, and helped with various tasks in the church. Now it seems that age groups are too often segregated from one another. Is the church falling into the pattern of the world where elders are no longer respected or put to good use? So sad that it is only when we are older ourselves do we see that the wisdom and knowledge of our elders could have served us so well. Too many times that knowledge/story/wisdom is lost forever when they pass away before we come to the realization that they have something important to impart to us.
Do yourself a favor today- go call your parent, your grandparent, your elderly family member, and just listen as they talk of yesteryears. Listen patiently, listen quietly, listen with your heart. You will be glad you did.
His death really hit me hard and it also set me to thinking. I know lots of Christians, but it seems those old saints from my childhood just have/had something that I don't see a lot of today. Uncle Henry was one of those who had that something extra. So was my Uncle Abe. They loved the Bible and the study of it. They loved talking to people. I cannot even begin to imagine how many people my Uncle Abe had witnessed to before his death. I cannot even begin to imagine the hundreds of thousands of prayers for people and situations he had uttered. My Uncle Abe was one of the most saintly persons I have ever known, but he would frequently tell me that he needed to grow closer to God and do more for Him. It was hard for me to understand when he would say that he could hardly wait to go on to heaven. I WANT to go to heaven, but was young and couldn't imagine wishing for it right then. Now that I am older, I get it more and more. The older I get, the sweeter and more intense the desire to be with my Saviour gets. Still not rushing my life away, you understand! I just experience that every deeper desire for Christ as each week passes.
Maybe it is not true, but it seems that many Christians of my generation and younger do not make Bible reading and prayer the priority the way these older Christians have done. Is that because of the time we live in now? Or is it because as we age we see more and more how important those things are? I don't know the answer. I do know that my yearning for my Bible reading time has increased as I have moved to the 50-something stage in my life.
How I wish I had appreciated those old-time saints and their Bible knowledge more while I had them in my life! I fear that my generation will not have that legacy of Bible knowledge to pass on/leave with their children and the children of their home church. One of the things that bothers me about most churches these days is that there is little interaction between the children and the older members. It is all about "youth group" and their doings now. Some of my greatest examples of Christianity came from the interaction with older church members who taught Sunday School, Vacation Bible School, and helped with various tasks in the church. Now it seems that age groups are too often segregated from one another. Is the church falling into the pattern of the world where elders are no longer respected or put to good use? So sad that it is only when we are older ourselves do we see that the wisdom and knowledge of our elders could have served us so well. Too many times that knowledge/story/wisdom is lost forever when they pass away before we come to the realization that they have something important to impart to us.
Do yourself a favor today- go call your parent, your grandparent, your elderly family member, and just listen as they talk of yesteryears. Listen patiently, listen quietly, listen with your heart. You will be glad you did.
Monday, September 13, 2010
A New Day
I usually am not too terribly excited to see the weekend be over, but this time is a bit different. On Friday, I had my first oncology treatment and it left me feeling like I had a nasty bout of flu. It started at the oncology clinic with severe chilling and it wasn't long after that the aches and headache set in. My poor sister was my helper for the day and was so patient and kind in helping me get settled back at home. She fixed me up with gingerale and made sure I had my medications. Len came home from work later and kept me well-medicated and with cold drinks at hand. I thank God for such a dear sis and such a wonderful husband. Just don't know what I would do without them sometimes!
A friend asked this weekend if I was angry at God because I received my cancer diagnosis while Len was still undergoing his chemotherapy. I immediately answered "no", but later that led me to really think and pray about it. My answer was still the same, but it did lead me to reacquaint myself with Lamentations, chapter 3. I LOVE that chapter! Jeremiah pours his heart out, lays it on the line, and then states, "Yet this I call to mind and therefore have hope: because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is Your faithfulness." (Lamentations 3:21-23, NIV). Such a sweet, sweet promise! Just as Jeremiah did, I had to totally acknowledge that the Lord is good to those who hope in Him.
While all the health issues around our household have been difficult, I do have to say that they have served to make me desire Him more in my life and urged me deeper into my Bible. Isn't it a shame that it sometimes takes things like this to draw us closer to Him?? The nice part of it, though, is rediscovering promises and being refreshed by verses that comfort and provide an outlet for expression. I still fumble and stumble WAY TOO much, but I am learning more and more that God uses many things to teach us and draw us. He can take my failings and use them to show me the right path. He does NOT use these failings as a bat to beat me over the head. Thank God!!
All of these things have also shown us just how many people there are that care about us. Both of us have been placed on prayer lists from one side of this country to the other (and a few outside the USA also!). There have been so many times that we have literally felt the sustaining prayers of other believers. They have been like a warm blanket on a cold day. Even this is a good lesson for me! I really, really see how important it is to offer prayer for others. In the past, I have stated I would pray for someone and then would pray at night-time for them. Now, I am making a conscious effort to stop and pray right at that time, in addition to praying at night. I hope you will join me this week in lifting up others in prayers in an immediate manner and then continue in prayer for those whose needs have been layed on your heart.
1 Peter 3:12 For the eyes of the Lord are on the righteous and His ears are attentive to their prayers
A friend asked this weekend if I was angry at God because I received my cancer diagnosis while Len was still undergoing his chemotherapy. I immediately answered "no", but later that led me to really think and pray about it. My answer was still the same, but it did lead me to reacquaint myself with Lamentations, chapter 3. I LOVE that chapter! Jeremiah pours his heart out, lays it on the line, and then states, "Yet this I call to mind and therefore have hope: because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is Your faithfulness." (Lamentations 3:21-23, NIV). Such a sweet, sweet promise! Just as Jeremiah did, I had to totally acknowledge that the Lord is good to those who hope in Him.
While all the health issues around our household have been difficult, I do have to say that they have served to make me desire Him more in my life and urged me deeper into my Bible. Isn't it a shame that it sometimes takes things like this to draw us closer to Him?? The nice part of it, though, is rediscovering promises and being refreshed by verses that comfort and provide an outlet for expression. I still fumble and stumble WAY TOO much, but I am learning more and more that God uses many things to teach us and draw us. He can take my failings and use them to show me the right path. He does NOT use these failings as a bat to beat me over the head. Thank God!!
All of these things have also shown us just how many people there are that care about us. Both of us have been placed on prayer lists from one side of this country to the other (and a few outside the USA also!). There have been so many times that we have literally felt the sustaining prayers of other believers. They have been like a warm blanket on a cold day. Even this is a good lesson for me! I really, really see how important it is to offer prayer for others. In the past, I have stated I would pray for someone and then would pray at night-time for them. Now, I am making a conscious effort to stop and pray right at that time, in addition to praying at night. I hope you will join me this week in lifting up others in prayers in an immediate manner and then continue in prayer for those whose needs have been layed on your heart.
1 Peter 3:12 For the eyes of the Lord are on the righteous and His ears are attentive to their prayers
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
A Time For Everything
I have a phobia for anything electronic (reference the fact that I still can't operate a VCR, let alone a DVD player) so I am somewhat shocked to find myself starting up a blog. I have lots of thoughts and don't really record them in a diary, so this felt like a pretty good time to foist my thoughts on the unsuspecting few who make it to here. Just kidding! Well, actually not - now that you are here, you have to read my stuff or I will sick the boogie man on you.
I suppose the starting of a blog was something that was interesting to me for months, but it was the recent news that I was now out of remission (B-cell lymphoma) that has prompted me to step out and do something new. A wonderful lady I know calls doing New Things "going for the golden ring" and encourages me to be more venturesome. So, "here's to you", Ms. Judy/the dancing lady.
I imagine if you check in over the next weeks and months that you will be subjected to rambles about health, books (which I adore), old and new movies, and family. I bet there might even be a few terrible jokes and I know there will some musing about my faith, which I am choosing to look at as "insights", haha. Knowing me, I will wax nostalgic more than once or twice and will talk at length about the olden-days. I will be delighted to have you along for the journey and pray that I can be an encouragement to someone or at least make them smile. Welcome!
Psalm 116:7 Be at rest once more, O my soul, for the Lord has been good to you.
I suppose the starting of a blog was something that was interesting to me for months, but it was the recent news that I was now out of remission (B-cell lymphoma) that has prompted me to step out and do something new. A wonderful lady I know calls doing New Things "going for the golden ring" and encourages me to be more venturesome. So, "here's to you", Ms. Judy/the dancing lady.
I imagine if you check in over the next weeks and months that you will be subjected to rambles about health, books (which I adore), old and new movies, and family. I bet there might even be a few terrible jokes and I know there will some musing about my faith, which I am choosing to look at as "insights", haha. Knowing me, I will wax nostalgic more than once or twice and will talk at length about the olden-days. I will be delighted to have you along for the journey and pray that I can be an encouragement to someone or at least make them smile. Welcome!
Psalm 116:7 Be at rest once more, O my soul, for the Lord has been good to you.
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