Joy

What a year this has been! My family has been on quite a ride, including, but not limited to, both my husband and myself finding out we each had cancer again and then both of us undergoing treatment. We are now basking in the sheer joy of just knowing that we are both in remission. Remission- just one of those words that sounds sweet as it rolls off your tongue.

It is funny how facing such obstacles can make you start paying attention to what is important in life and stop obsessing over the little things that are not important after all. Suddenly it doesn't matter as much that my dear hubby "puts on the brakes" when he is riding in the car while I drive. It doesn't really matter whether the towels are all folded the same way and lined up in the linen closet just so. So what if my son or hubby don't clean just as I would? These things and lots of other little things that used to drive me nuts just don't matter a hill of beans these days.  

I find myself a good bit slower to anger usually (mind you, I said usually, LOL) and what people think of me or say about me is just not the biggest deal now. I find myself praising God more, watching for the beauties of His creations in the world around me, and spending more quiet time with Him. I appreciate my friends more, thank people quicker, and offer praise where praise is due more frequently. A simple conversation with my husband is now a delight to enjoy and savor. I wonder what was wrong with me that I couldn't slow down before and appreciate exactly what I had in life?

I once read an article where the author stated she was glad that she had had cancer. She said she wouldn't have it any other way now because of what it taught her. Well, I don't think I will ever be to the point where I will be glad that I had cancer or glad my husband had it, despite what we have learned from it. Instead, I guess I will say that IF we had to undergo this ordeal, I am glad that God used it to His glory and used it to teach us and draw us ever closer to Him. Heavens knows that He probably wanted to shake me more than one time just to get me to pay attention to what He was trying to show me!

Cancer is a funny thing (as in "weird" funny)- people either automatically think you are going to die or they start telling you about Uncle Fred who had cancer ten years ago and it was awful how he suffered. Some people have trouble looking you in the eye and others seem to need to reach out and touch you when they see you, almost as if to reassure themselves. All ask how you are doing or how you are holding up, whether it is you with the cancer or your spouse/family member. The truth is, though, that most don't really want an honest answer; they want you to tell them that you are doing great and all will be fine. So, you smile and say, "I'm doing great" or "We're hanging in there, it will be okay". Really what you want is someone to hang on to as you sob your heart out because you stayed awake most of the night watching to see if your husband was still breathing. You don't tell them how you were frightened out of your mind because he was so weak after treatment that he didn't even have the strength to move from the bed to the couch. You don't talk about the despair you feel as you watch them retch until they can't hold their head up. You don't bring up the fears that come at night as you contemplate the thought that you might lose your beloved partner/friend/greatest supporter.  AND if it is you with the cancer, you don't admit that you worry about your family if something should happen to you or that you have to face full on your own mortality.

You also get to the point where you cannot, cannot, cannot stand another person to poke you with a needle, prod your body, or discuss you as if you aren't there. You dread the drive to chemo, you dread the nausea, you itch, you wobble, you get hungry and then can't eat, and you ache for the health you took for granted. Somehow in all this, you get to the point where you actively listen for God's voice and watch with awe and joy as He works in your life. You learn that you can always pour out your heart to Him without fear of misunderstanding or worries that HE will  think you weak. You learn to cede control to Him because, after all, you never had it in the first place. HE is the one who is always there in the middle of the night when the tears threaten and the worries try to take over. And He is the one who quiets you with His love and sings over you (a reference to Zephaniah 3:17, a fav for me).

Ultimately, I have learned that you cannot let fear take over, you cannot stand by and let the devil whisper scary thoughts in your ear, you cannot avoid open discussion without setting up a situation where people can't share and get thru all this together, and you can stand things you never thought you could. But most of all, I knew with an ever-deepening conviction that I never want to be far from my Creator thru any situation.