I am feeling brave and less weepy today, so I will continue the story of our little family. After Len was placed in ICU on the ventilator, he seemed a bit better but still in a coma. On Sunday I told Matt to head on back to university because I felt sure the antibiotics would take care of things and his dad would soon be well. Was I so exhausted that I couldn't see the truth or was I just blinding myself to the truth?? He WAS NOT getting well soon and would undergo several weeks in a coma and wake to a physical nightmare later.
Matt returned to school and on Monday when I went for the first visitation hours of ICU, the nurse was waiting for me in Len's room. He was on 3 antibiotics, multiple drips for blood pressure and irregular heartbeat and others. He was swollen, pale, still, and they were giving him something to keep him in the coma because he had developed encephalopathy (brain irritation is the best I can describe). It finally sunk in just how bad the outlook was and I began to weep and told the nurse that my son was in Middle Tennessee about 1.5 hours away. I asked her to let me know if I needed to call him to return. She very quietly told me that I needed to call him and tell him to come now, not to wait till afternoon. I will say that the phone call to Matt was one of the hardest I have ever made. Family was called and they and many friends arrived to pray and say a possible goodbye.
I wish I could say I handled this all with grace and dignity, but the truth is that I wept and begged God for his life. I know we all face a day when a loved one passes on, but I just COULD NOT bear it to be him, not my best friend, my wonderful husband, my companion in all things. I covered his hand with mine and begged him to hear me and not leave me. I cried a river of tears, bargained with God, and prayed. There came a point where calm settled on me and I remembered the king in the Old Testament that was ill and dying and he turned his face to the wall and prayed. God healed him and gave him 15 more years. SO I turned my face to the wall at the head of Len's bed and asked God for the same thing. I felt a sweet peace descend on me and I knew that no matter what the answer was that God was with us and would not forsake us.
Matt arrived in time for the next visitation (that hospital is quite strict about the visiting hours in ICU) and we entered to find that a new cascade of events was taking place. Blood pressure support medications were at high drip rates, his kidneys were failing, and the surgical wound on his abdomen had to be opened and was pouring fluid out. We cried and held on to each other and slowly family and friends silently slipped in to say goodbye and pray. I remember begging him to wake up and tell me "I love you" one more time, but of course I knew he could not and would not at that time.
To the surprise of the entire staff, Len made it through the afternoon, then the evening, and finally through a long, tension-laden night. His temperature spiked to 104-105 degrees and he was placed under a cooling ice blanket. He remained there with only brief breaks for skin care reasons and each time his temperature would soar again. Yet he still hung on to the scrap of life in him! Visits were agony because each time we entered his room another bad event had occurred. I refused to move from the ICU lounge to even go to the cafeteria and my wonderful son, along with many caring friends, made sure I ate something and stayed hydrated. Matt and I were at the doors of ICU watching the clock tick the last minutes until the doors would open for visitation. Little did we realize that this would be the pattern for the next 2 months.
I will close with that and continue as I am able. Many things occurred the next days and months - it would take a book to tell them all. Many were bad, many were good, many just left us stunned. Most of all, the events left us totally dependent on God and grateful for His loving presence and provision.
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